One awful side effect of Fiona getting cancer has been a deep schism between me and my parents. It has been coming for a while. My mom, especially, has been acting weirdly for quite some time. She has been dealing with anxiety and agoraphobia for many years and it has been hard on our family. We have the only grandkids on the West Coast, but they never come to see us. My dad's work brings him through the area quite a bit and he never brings my mom or stops by himself.
I am not sure if their interest in grandkids is limited because they had so many of their own or what. They had 9 kids, we range in age from 33 to 17. My mom spent many years at home with lots of little kids and I think that really influenced how she is now. Which, I understand. But she won't do anything about it. Another thing that influences them, is they seem to have a bad kid mentality. This translates into the more you have worried my parents, the more they bend over backwards to help out or do things for you. I have been the least worrisome. Married to a nice guy, always went to church, very overly reliable, etc. So, I have become the dumping ground. My parents always say mean things about me in front of my siblings, they have to know it's going to get back to me.
I should get back to what happened when Fiona got sick. Hubby took work off because we were in the hospital for a while before figuring out what was wrong with her. She got a diagnosis and he told his boss he was going to be back at work the next week because my parents offered to come and get Buttercup for about 10 days. They were also going to bring her back to visit and check up on Fiona themselves while we were still in the hospital. Buttercup went down with my sister on a Friday and my Dad brought her back on Monday to visit. He call about 1 1/2 hours out and said my mom wasn't coming because my sister had hurt her back very badly and my mom needed to stay and take care of her and get her into the doctor. He even mentioned surgery, which I thought was weird because this sister was 17 at the time. Then when he dropped Buttercup off at the hospital, he stayed for only 30 minutes and I asked when he was going back down with Buttercup. He told me to call my mom and work it out. I did that night, when I was alone and she said she thought Buttercup would be better off with some of our friends around here. The next morning Buttercup asked when Grandpa was going to take her back down. I said he wasn't. She said, does Grandma not want me. She didn't ask if Grandpa had to work or if I had other plans for her. Buttercup is not stupid and she loves to eavesdrop. She had to have heard something when she was down at my parents' house. I told her that Grandma was really worried about Fiona and her and thought she would be better up here. Later I find out Buttercup told my littlest sister that Grandma didn't want her and this sister passed it on to my mom. I also found out that the sister with the bad back went to work that day and the next and never saw the doctor for that really bad back. It was just an excuse to avoid coming up to the hospital. I had cancer as a child and I think my mom has some sort of PTSD from it and I don't think she thought she could handle coming up for support for me and being on a pediatric cancer ward again.
This resulted in my mom firing off an email to me, that I could have read in the hospital, but we got discharged before I checked my email for a while. This was the most hateful message I have ever gotten and I was in high school! She talked about how nothing she ever did was good enough for me. That I was manipulating Buttercup by telling her such things and that clearly Buttercup was not my favorite child. She said her time and season for being responsible for me has long past. That she has spent the last 32 years meeting the needs of others and putting her own needs on the back burner and that that was part of being a woman and a mother.
This is a very bare bones version of the email. I didn't talk to my mother for about 2 months after that. My dad would call weekly to find out about Fiona and to demand that I apologize to my mother. They even crashed a surprise birthday party for Fiona to force an apology from me. My parents have seen Fiona 3 times since she was diagnosed 9 months ago. These were all family gatherings.
I am the peacemaker of the family and I am always the first to apologize, for stuff that at least 75% isn't my fault, but I cry and everyone feels better. That hasn't happened this time. They caught me at the wrong time. I am not going to continue to apologize for what isn't my fault. But I worry about the future of my girls' family. Hubby doesn't have parents and my parents are their only grandparents.
How do you deal when the people who are supposed to back you up the most, become your worst problem. I think I was more shocked when this happened then we when we found out about Fiona. I don't feel like I did anything wrong, I certainly never told my child that Grandma didn't want her, and I don't think things will suddenly get better if I say I was wrong.
Sorry about the long post. There are even more family things that have happened that I could write about here too. They will probably come out in later posts. Like the sister that was my rock while Fiona was undergoing awful tests, barely sedated, and then turned out to be someone who was feeding information to my mom to make me look bad.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I am so, so sorry about all of this. As if you didn't have enough to deal with. I hope that even if the relationship doesn't improve, because it might not, that you will get to a place where you can forgive you parents. Not for their benefit, but for yours. You don't need to have all of those negative feelings pressing down on you. Especially when you're so busy with Fiona. I know quite a few people whose families are so lousy that their friends become their family. I hope I can help fill in a little of the emotional gap this experience has caused.
I can't imagine the additional stress this has added. I am so sorry you had to endure this distraction when you should have been focused on Fiona. Families should take away distractions, not add to them.
Someone told me you wouldn't guess how people will handle these situations until you're in them. It's true! People I thought would be by my side just disappeared. While others were unexpectedly supportive. It taught me a valuable lesson. You cannot choose when to be a friend. True friends (and family members) will be there through good times and bad.
With that said, I agree with Liz. Your Mom is not behaving like a true friend, that is certain. But God does not intend for us to hold grudges. Despite all of our sins, He is still faithful to forgive us. It will be important to follow God's example and forgive them. Maybe not today...but someday. And hey, if they are a poison to your family, you don't have to maintain a relationship with them. God also tells us that when we get married, we leave our parents and become one flesh.
I encourage you to keep venting! Your friends are here to listen. Though true friends are accountable to respond honestly which may not be what you want to hear. I hope what you hear in this comment is how deeply sorry I am and that I don't want you to allow this hurt to continue. You have the power to forgive and stop the pain. Give this worry to God.
If you want to grab coffee or lunch sometime, I'm always up for listening in person!!!
PS - You may want to edit Fiona's real name in the post once.
Hey Lori, thanks for the heads up on the name! I really appreciate that.
Post a Comment