What I want to be When I Grow Up

So, 3 years ago, I read a really interesting book by Anita Shreve called Resistance. It was about resisting the Nazis back during WWII in Europe. I was so interested that I embarked on a reading frezy to determine what I would have done, depending on who I was during that time, with regards to the political forces at the time. I have read over 300 books on WWII alone since then.
About 3 months after I first read her book, I found myself in the hospital with sepsis, not too pleasant, and cable for the first time in about a year. Big mistake, I was supposed to be sleeping and just resting but between family phone calls and 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray, I just wasn't taking any naps. Flipping around one night, I turned to the History Channel, also another favorite. On it was an HBO series called Band of Brothers based on the book by Stephen Ambrose. I had read the book earlier in the year, but there were quite a few characters and it was sometimes hard to follow. I couldn't stop watching the show and was very sad when I was discharged and went back home to no-cable land.
But, thanks to our fabulous library system, I was able to borrow the whole series. It did violate my rated-R rule, although, not technically because there was no rating, but it was well worth it. It is an amazing series and I highly recommend it.
This all brings me to what I want to do when my girls are done needing me. I want to be a history professor, one who teaches upper division. In college, all of my elective credits went to upper division history classes. I should have seen if I had a minor, I am sure I did. I don't want to teach things like World Civ, where I would be just lecturing to a bunch of bored freshman, I want to teach to people who actually want to be there and want to discuss things with me. I have always loved history, but my interest in WWII totally clinched it for me. I was just lucky that it was 2004 that I got the bug because it was the 60th anniversary of the Allied landings at Normandy and even with the few channels we did get, it was documentaries and personal accounts galore!
So, are you doing what you wanted to when you grew up? I did want to be a mom, but I also wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice (without being a sleazy lawyer first, heehhee, that's just what I thought) I also wanted to be a pediatrician, and for a while I was going to be a nurse on my way to being a doctor. If you aren't, what did you want to be and what are you doing now? Hopefully, twenty years from now, I will be a doctor, just of the Phd variety and teaching European history to a bunch of interested youngsters. (They will be youngsters to me by the time I get there!)

My boy crazy girl

We were at church on Sunday and Buttercup had brought her journal to write in during Sacrament Meeting. Fiona said something about Buttercup kissing a boy. She hasn't, thank heavens, but apparently she had a boyfriend, but he broke up with her. I came across a little note she had written to herself, reminding herself to wear her coolest clothes in order to catch his attention. Sigh...I cannot believe she is already obsessed with boys. I haven't really talked to her much about that sort of things. She isn't allowed to wear make up until she is 12, or date until she is 16. We talk about things relating to sex as they come up, but it doesn't come up too much.
I am not sure the best way to continually discuss these things with her. My sister and brother in law aren't the best examples and she laps up everything she sees when she's with them. Ever since we met him, about 3 years ago, they are the king and queen of PDA. The first time they were staying with us, I told them we weren't comfortable with their excessive displays. I was really nice about it and just talked to my sister, by ourselves, so no one was too embarrassed. She made some comment about how they are just affectionate people and we sort of left it at that. But now they have moved up here and we see them a lot. My sister also took Buttercup out when Fiona was first in the hospital and bought Buttercup some flip-flops with heels on them and got her a manicure. Neither something I would do, but I figured that she needed some special things too. She got the flip-flops out recently and tried them on. Her thoughts? She didn't want to wear them without a proper manicure.
She's 8!!
I am not too much of a girly girl. The photo of me in a previous post? It took me about 10 minutes to get ready, dressed, made up and hair done. I don't get regular manicures or have hair appointments (that's just me, not commenting on anything else someone might like to do). I wonder about what she hears at school. I can't control what she hears there, how do I counteract it?
How do I help her be less obsessed with her appearance and what boys think. She talks about how she is popular and this seems to be important to her. I was never popular and most of the time, I didn't care. Any ideas would be really appreciated. I hate how children are becoming sexualized at earlier ages. Hubby's Aunt said something about his baby cousin flirting with women...he was 9 months old.

My Little Ogre

I guess I am breaking my rule already and posting personal photos. It's easier to show Fiona's progress that way.
Vanity thy name is Mom. I have very cute little girls and the physical changes in Fiona have been the worst in dealing with this whole thing. When I had chemo, for those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with a Wilms Tumor when I was nine. I had a kidney removed and went through 6 months of chemo where I lost my hair and was very sickly white for a while. Fiona did that, she lost her hair, but she has also been on steroids and the initial period where I just looked like a mom who didn't feed her child properly and didn't groom her. She has also been pasty white on occasion.
We only had two long periods with the steroids, and I really can't bad mouth them, they got rid of her tumor, but I hate how they make her look. Now, she takes them for 5 days out of every 28, which we thought wouldn' be too bad, but this is the first time we saw a bit of steroid cumulation, her cheeks are a bit puffy and her stomach is rounder. I hope that it doesn't continue. I hope she has a chance to lose the puffy before we start again in less than 3 weeks.
So, the pictures I picked out, the first one is about 6 months before she was diagnosed. We never cut her hair. It curled nicely at the bottom and almost reached her butt. I was always fixing it. We were very Pollyanna when she got sick and decided a benefit of losing her hair meant she didn't have to wait for Mom to fix it in the morning. I did have to adjust what I called her. I was always calling her my hairball, my fro bunny, etc.
The next picture was during the first set of steroids. Her hair was falling out at the same time and we both had a bit of a breakdown. I went to a church meeting one night and just broke down to my friends. I left a bit early and was just about ready to turn onto our street. My phone rang and Fiona was on the other end, crying, "I just want you to come home." I was crying on the other end, "I am already on my way home." Her physical changes were just too much for both of us to take.
This last one I took just a few days ago, while we were at the park with our friend Kate. Her hair isn't showing, but it doesn't show up well on the camera yet. It's a pretty ash blond and the sheen on it is amazing. I keep threatening that I can pull her hair now.
I hope the steroids don't make too much of an appearance physically, from now on.

I just need some Sleep!

Okay, so it isn't as sad as it sounds. We were sailing through the weekend and early part of the week with fewer problems than I remember from before. Before, when she would take her steroids, about 30 minutes later she would be writhing from stomach pain. We didn't have as much of that this time. But, this week, after Fiona stopped taking the steroids, she's having more problems. When we talked to her oncologist this past week, we decided to write down when and what her problems were. Her head hurts, her legs hurt a lot and she still has stomach problems. Last night was pretty bad. She took a long time going to bed. She took a nap yesterday, after I rubbed her legs for a while. So, that made it harder for her to go to sleep. But at 10:30pm, I was seriously drooping. So, Hubby got her and laid down with her for a while.
It took us forever to find some regular tylenol for her to take. She won't take the syrup or the chewables, the little weirdo, but most of the adult stuff, it's extra strength which is too much for a 5 year old.
Today is going much better. She woke up in a good mood, ate some breakfast and loved wandering through Target this morning, most likely because I bought her a package of paper for just her and Buttercup. Then we went to a carwash, which is always fun for little kids and got her a cheeseburger happymeal, without onions, and even convinced her to go to the childcare place at YMCA.
We are back to the everyday chemo, which is much better. I have no idea why guys take steroids on purpose, it doesn't look very fun to me. I should find a picture of Fiona on steroids so you can see what it did to her, but unless I post one of her not on them, I guess you can't have much of a comparison. I will post her shelf in our kitchen. It's much less crowded than it used to be, but this is all her stuff.

My celebrity look alikes

The Family ties that Bind 2

I really enjoyed all of the comments. I should probably expand on the last post. I have to say that I feel like I have forgiven them. It was clearly a situation that they weren't equipped to handle. My mom has been dealing with a lot of problems, and I know how it led her down this path. I wasn't expecting such a nasty attack, but the usual making plans and then breaking them. My dad has become quite the enabler, so his attempts at getting in the middle of it to make me apologize wasn't a shock either.
I guess I just want to say that I am disappointed in them. My dad said something about how this has happened to him twice. I had to disagree with him on that. This has happened to me twice. I was the one who went through the chemo the first time and I am on the front line with this one as well.
I just don't know what to do about it. It seemed such a deep schism that I don't know how it will ever resolve. How do you make this sort of thing better? How do you go back to a regular relationship? It's true, if she were just my friend I wouldn't bother with her any more. But she's my mom.
Lori's right, it's amazing how people come out of the woodwork to help and others who you thought would do more, don't do much or anything at all. I surf the Leukemia Lymphoma society boards and every couple of months a newly diagnosed parent will post asking if this sort of thing has happened to anyone else and then detail how family members and/or friends have disappeared. Hubby says I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else, ie how I would react and what I would do. I already knew how childhood cancer went and things that would be nice. I have also had a nasty run in with someone at church (in charge of this sort of stuff) who said we were getting too much help from church (dinners brought in) and that there were so many women in the ward having babies they needed to focus on them. I was pretty shocked ( and hurt) and had to go back through my notes and figure out how much we had gotten. I kept a list in my notebook of who brought stuff or did things so I could send them a thank you note. We had been doing chemo for 24 weeks and the church board was responsible for bringing us 7 dinners. They had planned for about 4 more, but people didn't show up. That was all the help that was too much.
On the other hand, people have been great. Hubby's work raised money which enabled us to buy Fiona a new mattress better equipped to deal with the back pokies and steroids.They also bring presents regularly and just leave them on his desk. A woman from church that I have some contact with was always bringing us dinner or getting something for Fiona. Someone on our plane to Houston on the way to Orlando, for our Make A Wish trip, gave us $100 anonymously after watching our girls on the plane, probably especially after Fiona squealed with glee when we touched down for the first time. Our joy together as a family has grown, with us wanting to hang out together and play together and just be together even more.
What I would wish from my parents, if we could turn back time, is my parents to come up and my mom to hang out with us. Maybe to stay with us for a while and help take care of Buttercup and Fiona. Call regularly and send stuff to let Fiona know that she's thinking of her. My Granddad's sister (who I never met) sent me cards weekly, when I was sick. It was such a joy to get stuff in the mail and it was just a card.
So I have forgiven, but can't forget....

The Family ties that Bind

One awful side effect of Fiona getting cancer has been a deep schism between me and my parents. It has been coming for a while. My mom, especially, has been acting weirdly for quite some time. She has been dealing with anxiety and agoraphobia for many years and it has been hard on our family. We have the only grandkids on the West Coast, but they never come to see us. My dad's work brings him through the area quite a bit and he never brings my mom or stops by himself.
I am not sure if their interest in grandkids is limited because they had so many of their own or what. They had 9 kids, we range in age from 33 to 17. My mom spent many years at home with lots of little kids and I think that really influenced how she is now. Which, I understand. But she won't do anything about it. Another thing that influences them, is they seem to have a bad kid mentality. This translates into the more you have worried my parents, the more they bend over backwards to help out or do things for you. I have been the least worrisome. Married to a nice guy, always went to church, very overly reliable, etc. So, I have become the dumping ground. My parents always say mean things about me in front of my siblings, they have to know it's going to get back to me.
I should get back to what happened when Fiona got sick. Hubby took work off because we were in the hospital for a while before figuring out what was wrong with her. She got a diagnosis and he told his boss he was going to be back at work the next week because my parents offered to come and get Buttercup for about 10 days. They were also going to bring her back to visit and check up on Fiona themselves while we were still in the hospital. Buttercup went down with my sister on a Friday and my Dad brought her back on Monday to visit. He call about 1 1/2 hours out and said my mom wasn't coming because my sister had hurt her back very badly and my mom needed to stay and take care of her and get her into the doctor. He even mentioned surgery, which I thought was weird because this sister was 17 at the time. Then when he dropped Buttercup off at the hospital, he stayed for only 30 minutes and I asked when he was going back down with Buttercup. He told me to call my mom and work it out. I did that night, when I was alone and she said she thought Buttercup would be better off with some of our friends around here. The next morning Buttercup asked when Grandpa was going to take her back down. I said he wasn't. She said, does Grandma not want me. She didn't ask if Grandpa had to work or if I had other plans for her. Buttercup is not stupid and she loves to eavesdrop. She had to have heard something when she was down at my parents' house. I told her that Grandma was really worried about Fiona and her and thought she would be better up here. Later I find out Buttercup told my littlest sister that Grandma didn't want her and this sister passed it on to my mom. I also found out that the sister with the bad back went to work that day and the next and never saw the doctor for that really bad back. It was just an excuse to avoid coming up to the hospital. I had cancer as a child and I think my mom has some sort of PTSD from it and I don't think she thought she could handle coming up for support for me and being on a pediatric cancer ward again.
This resulted in my mom firing off an email to me, that I could have read in the hospital, but we got discharged before I checked my email for a while. This was the most hateful message I have ever gotten and I was in high school! She talked about how nothing she ever did was good enough for me. That I was manipulating Buttercup by telling her such things and that clearly Buttercup was not my favorite child. She said her time and season for being responsible for me has long past. That she has spent the last 32 years meeting the needs of others and putting her own needs on the back burner and that that was part of being a woman and a mother.
This is a very bare bones version of the email. I didn't talk to my mother for about 2 months after that. My dad would call weekly to find out about Fiona and to demand that I apologize to my mother. They even crashed a surprise birthday party for Fiona to force an apology from me. My parents have seen Fiona 3 times since she was diagnosed 9 months ago. These were all family gatherings.
I am the peacemaker of the family and I am always the first to apologize, for stuff that at least 75% isn't my fault, but I cry and everyone feels better. That hasn't happened this time. They caught me at the wrong time. I am not going to continue to apologize for what isn't my fault. But I worry about the future of my girls' family. Hubby doesn't have parents and my parents are their only grandparents.
How do you deal when the people who are supposed to back you up the most, become your worst problem. I think I was more shocked when this happened then we when we found out about Fiona. I don't feel like I did anything wrong, I certainly never told my child that Grandma didn't want her, and I don't think things will suddenly get better if I say I was wrong.
Sorry about the long post. There are even more family things that have happened that I could write about here too. They will probably come out in later posts. Like the sister that was my rock while Fiona was undergoing awful tests, barely sedated, and then turned out to be someone who was feeding information to my mom to make me look bad.

Everything comes down to poo

Haha, at least that's what they say on Scrubs. A few months ago they made Scrubs the Musical and we let Fiona watch it. Then it mysteriously got deleted off our DVR. We were all so sad. Then high speed internet came into our lives. All we had to do was google it. Fiona spent an hour this morning watch the episode once and everything comes down to poo about 5 times.

She was feeling pretty good this morning, so I let her go to her friend's house. Her mom is doing me a favor by watching Fiona so she can get used to being away from me. The many hours we spent together, alone, at our house or the hospital, has made her into somewhat of a hermit. We have been easing her back into regular society. I went to the Y and after about 45 minutes, I checked my cell phone. Fiona's steroids cramps had started. Her stomach kills her. She doesn't want to vomit, it just hurts. She has mood swings as well. Most of them are not as bad as some kids. There is a reason why they call it 'roid rage. There was only one time where she threw something at me, and then she immediately apologized and burst into tears.

So, at least she wasn't totally wiped out today. We did spend sometime on the rocking chair. I put a stack of library books next to it for easy access. Thanks Mrs Cropper's books, I got a few suggestions off of your website. She loves Lilly's Plastic Purple Purse.

I also made a bunch of freezer meals and we ate one today. It was nice just turning on the oven when she's having problems. She is melting down now, so we are going to put her to bed relatively early. I hope that she won't have too many problems this weekend. It's tough for her.

Peeping Tommette

I love to watch people. I like being at the mall and watching people. My husband and I developed a system, early on in our relationship, to communicate interesting people. I squeeze his hand and if he figures out what I am talking about, he double squeezes back. It's much safer than pointing. I wish I had my scanner hooked up to my laptop, I would scan a picture we took a few years ago at Alcatraz Island, where a guy was touring with what could only have been a hooker. We very subtly took a picture of her stilettoes and leopard print micro mini. She was great.

Reality TV makes it easy for me to eavesdrop on other people. I love 'Honey, We're killing the kids, Househunters, Runway Moms, The Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser (Fiona loves that one too), Tori and Dean Inn Love, Flip This (or That) House, What Not to Wear just to name a few. I have to admit, one day I had total meltdown. I laid on the bed, turned on the TV to America's Next Top Model and realized 20 minutes later that I hadn't moved my legs that entire time. I don't normally watch that show, but hey...sometimes your mind can't take much more.

I love watching people's weirdness, their triumphs and hey, let's face it, re-affirming to myself that my life is absurdly normal and I am still smarter than the majority of people. Although, that last one...the gene pool on reality shows is wildy skewed.

So, some of the shows are good. The Amazing race is awesome and often educational. The Biggest Loser shows that diet and exercise can work, I have seen What Not to Wear actually change peoples' lives, including this cute girl from Utah who used to have awful self-esteem. Some of the shows are beyond bad, how obnoxious and self-righteous can Tyra Banks get? Donald Trump is such a jerk! The Gastineau Girls just made me want to slap them. I think they give people weird ideas of life.

I guess I am just happy that I get to people watch in the privacy of my own home, not to mention safety. But, I don't think that most of them add to the quality of television. Every once in a while I find myself turning the channel and feeling like I need to take a bath after viewing sordid lives. What do you think? What shows do you find rewarding and what shows make you feel embarrassed to admit you even know about them?

My Sunday Girl

Meet Kate. Her mom is one of my best friends in our ward. She has graciously given up her youngest on Sundays to let me get my much needed baby love. Being pregnant is not one of my strong suits and the doctors have kindly recommended we not have any more princesses, or princes for that matter. SO, since my only nieces and nephews are several thousand miles away and my siblings nearby have not decided to reproduce, I get my fix at church. There are plenty to find there. I think about 90 children sang about Mothers on Sunday. That's not including our three nurseries. (children 18 months to 3 years) I think we had 16 babies born in our congregation last year alone.

I believe Kate started the trend. She was born on December 28, 2005 and thus, at the end of next month, I will be shopping for a new Sunday child. I would say girl, I just prefer them, but there have been a lot of boys born in our ward this year. Kate is headed off to nursery.

Bless all of you moms who pass off your children to those less fortunate. I think I would be baby hungry if I couldn't sneak up on someone and very politely ask to hold their progeny. I was never one of those nice moms. I didn't want to give up my first and Fiona wouldn't even go to the hubby until she was about 7 months old.

I was very lucky that Kate took to me from the start. She would do things for me that she wouldn't do for her parents. She slept in my lap during Sunday school. My sister tried to get her to be quiet during Relief Society by shushing her, which backfired because now when ever anyone tries to shush her, she screams.

I hope she will remember me when she gets bigger and not just as Crazy Church Lady (hubby coined the phrase, haha!)

My introduction to High Speed

Yes, I have just stepped into the 21st century. It has taken me forever. I was good enough with my dial-up and let's face it, cheap...we did enjoy the high speed at Children's when we were stuck there. Fiona got to watch The Smurf's Christmas on their computer. She also watched the Flintstone's Christmas. She's on You Tube and we've only seen her in slow motion, or in hiccups, I guess. I have been really looking forward to surfing the net at high speed and watching shows and not having to wait for things to load. Unfortunately, my laptop that is only 18 months old, is slow and the ethernet port doesn't work. I wouldn't have known that before now because we have never accessed it. So, now we should really buy a wireless hook-up so that I can use it without the cord. But that involves a trip to Frys, which is like Disneyland for adults with a credit card. We bought our 50 inch big screen there. It was SO cheap! (We love you Stevie the TV, don't ever die on us) I am afraid if we go down there to buy the less than $50 wireless apparatus, we won't get out of there without a 42in flat screen TV and a newer faster laptop. It's just a credit card right? Ha! That has never been our mentality. Until Fiona got sick, the credit card came out only on special occasions, since we bought our house. Sigh...it stinks being an adult. Too many responsibilities.

Fiona has HAIR!!

A few months ago, I looked at Fiona and just decided I was tired of her being bald. We had been doing pretty intensive chemo for about 8 months. We were set to start Long Term Maintenance. This involves only one trip to Children's and then a bunch of pills that I deliver at home. It sounded pretty easier. Certainly easier than a half an hour ride to the hospital every week, at least 4 hours for the appointment and then dealing with the after effects of the chemo. Not to mention the planned hospital stays that lasted 4 days each and included Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve.

So, when we found out that the drugs she would be taking from now on wouldn't include anything that would automatically make her hair fall out, I wanted all of her hair back. Kind of an instant gratification sort of thing. Her hair isn't totally cooperating, but it is growing in nice and thick and soft. We are still waiting for some sort of curl to show up. When I lost my hair , as a child, to chemo, it turned my basic brown, straight stick hair, into something that can only be termed bendy and has gotten progressively darker with age. Everyone calls it black, but I am not entirely comfortable saying it's black, although I guess it is black enough for someone who wildly pale. I just want people to stop asking me if she is a boy or girl. If I were to dress a boy the same way, I could be prosecuted for child abuse! But people can't always tell.

This is the week that we are going to the hospital. I have a plan to take on this week. I am making freezer meals, stocking up on salty foods that might tempt her and lots of library books for us to share. I spend at least 4 hours a day just taking care of her, be it feeding her nine times a day, rocking her when her stomach burns too badly, letting her soak in the warm tub, while I read to her, because her bones ache. It's pretty tough on her. It's pretty tough on me. She takes pills daily through Monday, mostly steroids, which cause all of the pain, that and the injection on Thursday. I'll let you know if my being prepared helps at all.

It's going to be interesting dealing with this for the next 15 months until she is off chemo. That includes her full year of kindergarten.

"T" the Cat

My cat...what can I say. When we moved into a house, I really wanted a cat. We realized that there wasn't really a place for a litter box and I didn't want to have to worry about my cat roaming out. So, for four years, I didn't really think about it. Last year on my birthday, while eating dinner, after admiring my electric griddle, the hubby said he also wanted to get me a cat. Unfortunately, he said this in front of our two girls. Not the smartest thing. I really wanted a cat, but he had me convinced that there wasn't a place in our house for a cat.
A lady in the ward had offered me a cat a few weeks ago when she watched my 4 year old smother a friend's kitten. So, while I was at Relief Society one night, he and the girls went and rounded up the cat. When I got home, "T" was hiding under our couch. He slinked out to talk to me, but he ran back under the couch whenever someone else came around.
Forward a few weeks...the predictions about the litter box had come to pass. It was nestled between the wall and the washing machine. It works okay, there's even a fan, but the little guy COULD NOT walk out of the box without dragging some of his deposits with him. I was so stressed out from grabbing him every time he went potty and washing off of his paws, I finally broke down and tossed him outside.
We were planning on getting him fixed when he turned 4 months and that ended up the day before Princess Fiona (my youngest's pseudonym) got admitted to Children's Hospital. So, he spent most of his time outside while we coped with chemo.
Then he came in one morning with a big puncture wound to a front paw. Princess Buttercup (the older daughter) saw it and burst into tears. He survived that only to come up with another one. We figured he kept running into the branch of a bush. Plenty of prayers went into fixing him. Then he showed up with what we diagnosed (thanks to the internet) as the kitty flu. Much more shocking with felines than with humans. He looked like he was bleeding from the nose and mouth. We kept him in the garage and after a few days, he managed to recover. I couldn't hardly believe it.
Now, his latest thing is big time fights with what we think is a dog, during the nights that he is out roaming. He looks all mangy because as his wounds scab over, he loses fur.
This cat would have been more responsible for gray hair, than just about anyone, assuming I had gray hair. He is a member of the family and we all love him and it freaks us out when he comes home all messed up. He's pretty smart, he actually wipes his paws on the mat when he comes in and he says Mama, I kid you not. I have always said that he was Mama's little boy since we've had him. We are hoping to have him fixed soon, as soon as he heals up. We don't want the cat shelter taking him away from us, for being bad kitty parents. I hope that once he is fixed he will chill out a bit more. My stress level can't take it any more.

The Beginning

So, this is my first shot at blogging. Life has been crazy lately and I need an outlet for my musings. I am a stay at home Mormon Mom who has been taking care of a 5 year old with cancer for the past 9 months. I don't have a ton of close friends where we live and I feel weird about just randomly calling someone from church up and chatting with them. I have thoughts constantly going through my head and I thought this would be a nice outlet.
My then four year old was diagnosed with lymphoma last year. I have an 8 year old as well and a very busy husband who is currently being bothered by his boss at work. He isn't too outgoing and he isn't too chatty. I have come to accept that part of being female means that I need to talk and also to have someone talk back. If you stop by this blog, PLEASE, PLEASE leave a comment. I need interaction and this might be my only place to get it currently.
I am not totally pathetic. I have friends, I don't have depression, I just have thoughts about the world and would like to pass them on.
I promise that future posts will be more on topic. I am just so pleased to start blogging. Also, for privacy sake, the names will be changed to protect the guilty, the annoying and the perfectly nice. My husband is just paranoid about people reading things and judging me. What a nice guy!
I picked out the blog name simply because those are probably the three words that currently define me the most.