I really enjoyed all of the comments. I should probably expand on the last post. I have to say that I feel like I have forgiven them. It was clearly a situation that they weren't equipped to handle. My mom has been dealing with a lot of problems, and I know how it led her down this path. I wasn't expecting such a nasty attack, but the usual making plans and then breaking them. My dad has become quite the enabler, so his attempts at getting in the middle of it to make me apologize wasn't a shock either.
I guess I just want to say that I am disappointed in them. My dad said something about how this has happened to him twice. I had to disagree with him on that. This has happened to me twice. I was the one who went through the chemo the first time and I am on the front line with this one as well.
I just don't know what to do about it. It seemed such a deep schism that I don't know how it will ever resolve. How do you make this sort of thing better? How do you go back to a regular relationship? It's true, if she were just my friend I wouldn't bother with her any more. But she's my mom.
Lori's right, it's amazing how people come out of the woodwork to help and others who you thought would do more, don't do much or anything at all. I surf the Leukemia Lymphoma society boards and every couple of months a newly diagnosed parent will post asking if this sort of thing has happened to anyone else and then detail how family members and/or friends have disappeared. Hubby says I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else, ie how I would react and what I would do. I already knew how childhood cancer went and things that would be nice. I have also had a nasty run in with someone at church (in charge of this sort of stuff) who said we were getting too much help from church (dinners brought in) and that there were so many women in the ward having babies they needed to focus on them. I was pretty shocked ( and hurt) and had to go back through my notes and figure out how much we had gotten. I kept a list in my notebook of who brought stuff or did things so I could send them a thank you note. We had been doing chemo for 24 weeks and the church board was responsible for bringing us 7 dinners. They had planned for about 4 more, but people didn't show up. That was all the help that was too much.
On the other hand, people have been great. Hubby's work raised money which enabled us to buy Fiona a new mattress better equipped to deal with the back pokies and steroids.They also bring presents regularly and just leave them on his desk. A woman from church that I have some contact with was always bringing us dinner or getting something for Fiona. Someone on our plane to Houston on the way to Orlando, for our Make A Wish trip, gave us $100 anonymously after watching our girls on the plane, probably especially after Fiona squealed with glee when we touched down for the first time. Our joy together as a family has grown, with us wanting to hang out together and play together and just be together even more.
What I would wish from my parents, if we could turn back time, is my parents to come up and my mom to hang out with us. Maybe to stay with us for a while and help take care of Buttercup and Fiona. Call regularly and send stuff to let Fiona know that she's thinking of her. My Granddad's sister (who I never met) sent me cards weekly, when I was sick. It was such a joy to get stuff in the mail and it was just a card.
So I have forgiven, but can't forget....
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5 comments:
Maybe you should let the girls start calling your parents and sending them mail. You could stay a little distant, but it would probably soften their hearts a lot. The girls would probably enjoy it. I don't think you should give up on ever being close to them again. Meanwhile, I'm going to start sending stuff to Fiona -- why can't I be her long-lost aunt?
I forgot to comment on the church ladies -- grr. My sister-in-law's ward doesn't even bring meals for new babies! They have lots of old people and think they need the help more than a young healthy new mom, who had nine whole months to prepare. Isn't that obnoxious? I have often been the recipient of meals that were not assigned, and want to be the kind of person that just shows up with a meal when someone needs it, not because it was my duty, but because I was thinking about them.
I guess I always forget what we are taught at church about overcoming the natural man. Which mine is always inclined just to wait and let them make it better because they made it bad. You are right, the best thing is for me to start, but man...life is busy. And it's tough to swallow.
I love to be the one to bring a dinner because I hear stuff through the grapevine. A lady in our old ward had a blog and I was just lurking and because of what I read, Fiona and I dropped some dinner and brownies off without letting her know who did it. We later had to tell her because it was making her crazy and they really loved the dinner and wanted the recipe. I didn't want her to know who did it because would you want to worry that your life sucked so bad that a lady whose kid had cancer brought you dinner?
But our ward never calls me any more to take dinner, so I have to find ways to do it myself.
I would love for the girls to have another aunt!
Since when should there be a score for acts of kindness??? That is frustrating. You dropped off a meal for us in the PICU completely out of the blue. Your unsolicited kindness inspired me to do the same over the past month. There is just something about helping another person, even when you are going through trials. In fact, particularly when you are going through trials. You are a blessing to many!
We have a family member who didn't come to our wedding nor to Lillian's memorial service. I just don't think people should get to pick when it's comfortable for them to be in your life. Especially when they're family. So I completely understand forgiving but not forgetting. I'm still checking my heart to make sure I've truly forgiven her. You can tell that since I even mentioned our wedding, which was 12 years ago, I may still be holding on to some resentment. But enough about me, I just want to tell you that I can sympathize.
I'm so impressed by the quality of care you have provided for your family. And that you're still interested in mending fences with your parents. You are amazing!
Count me in on the long-lost aunt thing!!!
Oooh stuff like that fires me up! I agree with Lori-we do not keep score on charity! Kudos to you for being the bigger person and performing random acts of kindness even when you're getting treated poorly by your R.S. Why do some people just not get it?
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